Saturday, October 22, 2016

Musings

Howdy Yo!
I just realized I haven't blogged in over a year. Kinda forgot about this thing honestly. But I think it's about time for an update.

I have had a lot of things going on in my life, from sickness to heartbreak to happiness to finding peace in myself. I won't bore you with the gruesome details because I want this post to be a happy one.

Taking myself back through this blog and seeing how far I have come from such a terrible illness inspires me. I went through SO much and I overcame it all. It's amazing. I have recently had another tragic experience with being sick, but I don't want to go into that.

Being sick has taught me so many things. It has taught me to FIGHT for what I want, to stand up for what I believe, to never give up, to set my sights on something and never ever stop doing what I have to do to get there.

Being sick has showed me what the important things in life are. I know now that I wasn't living before. I was going with the flow and doing whatever people wanted me to do. I didn't stand up for myself, I just followed what everyone was telling me to do. I don't want to do that anymore.

I have a clear path now to follow. Once my heart is healed, I want to continue on with my goals and never let anything get in my way again. I want to finish school. I want to move out of Texas. I want to get Louie a friend. I want to get my own place. I want to stay in love. I want to adventure more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to experience new things. I want to try new foods. I want to go new places. I want to make new friends. I want to fall in love every day with something new. I want to genuinely love life.

I want to find my place in life and I want to be able to love someone so deeply with all that I have and all that I am.

Right now, it's hard to find my groove and where I need to go to start, but I know that once I figure it out, there will be no stopping me. I have such a strong determination that nothing will ever get in my way.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ireland Mission Trip

Hey there everybody!
Recently Danielle (my cousin) and I got an opportunity to go on a mission trip to Ireland with a local organization called Global Expeditions. This is something that we feel called by God to do.
As you know, I have been very sick. Not much has changed, but I have changed my attitude. If I have to live this way, so be it. I might as well make the best out of the situation.

I have decided I want to live. I don't just want to survive. I want to be able to say I lived a full life, regardless of how I felt. That being said, many people are worried about the trek all the way to the other side of the world.

This is something God wants me to do, and something I need to do for myself. I can't explain to you how much I need this trip. It terrifies me, yes, but I completely trust that God will take care of me.

We do need help, both spiritually and finacially.

We will not ask for money, but if you would like to donate, we would greatly appreciate it. The trip costs around $5,000 for each of us, and we are not sure how we will come up with all of the money.

Please, if you cannot contribute finacially, please pray for us. Prayers are the most important part of this trip.
We made this video to give more information, if you want the complete outline of the trip, look at this link.
http://www.globalexpeditions.com/ireland/

If you would like to donate, please click this link:
http://www.globalexpeditions.com/donation-page/

My (caity) missionary ID is:2709954
Danielles is: 2709991

Thank you for any and all support.


Friday, December 19, 2014

life

This past month has been really hard for me. A lot has been going on with my body and I don't like it at all.
I have barely slept at all in the past few weeks. Something has shifted in my body and it is like I am uncapable of sleep. In the past three nights, I have read 9 books, start to finish JUST reading at night. The few times I do actually sleep, I wake up in a complete panic attack because I can't figure out where I am or what I'm supposed to be doing. It doesn't occur to me that I am in my bed, The same bed I have slept in for 5 years. shaking, crying, so confused. It's really scary. I don't like it. 
I have had this horrible out of body feeling, where everything feels like it's a dream and I am not actually alive. It takes me awhile to convince myself that this IS real life and I am alive.
I have panic attacks over events that don't actually happen. Full blown anxiety attacks thinking I am responsible for my pets that have died.
I have had horrible hallucinations where I see things that aren't there. Day and night I see things that aren't there. I waited to go up the stairs today because there was a large dog on the stairs. We don't have a large dog.
I have had horrible tremors non stop. It feels like my organs are shaking inside my body making everything else shake too. I have had external tremors where you can see my body shaking. 
I have had horrible migraines. I have felt like my brain is on fire. Literally. Like something in my head is burning and it hurts. Bad.
I have been able to eat a total of three things in the last two days because my stomach has hurt so bad. My pain levels have increased by a lot. Every part of my body is in excruciating pain. Nothing is right anymore. Nothing.
I have woken up in the middle of the night multiple times COVERED in sweat, forcing me to change clothes. Most nights I change clothes two or three times.
I have felt almost like lightening feeling going down my body. Like I am being electrocuted, but not.
And I am dealing with this all on my own. 
And it's hard.
And I feel like there is a monster inside me. And that monster is my body.
What are you supposed to do when the one thing that is supposed to be keeping you alive is actually killing you?
I feel as if my body is resistant to treatment because nothing else works anymore.
I have nobody else to talk to. Which is why a blog comes in handy. Nobody understands. This is my life. And its not getting better. Its getting worse. And nobody understands.
I fake everything. I fake being happy. I fake being OK. I don't even know what okay is anymore. Is this all my life is ever going to be? Because if it is, I can't do this. I am so close to giving up. What is the point in fighting a fight that can't be won?
I don't even know what meds I'm supposed to be taking. Or what I'm supposed to be doing. It's all so confusing and I'm on my own and don't know what to do anymore.
What is the point in all this? How am I supposed to handle all these new symptoms on top of the old ones? These are scary things and I don't know what's happening.
I don't like it,
I don't even know what the point of this post is. I guess just to get things out that i've been holding in? I don't know.
maybe I need to be put on psych drugs cause maybe im just mentally crazy. who even cares anymore....................

Saturday, October 4, 2014

2014 update

Hello people!
I realized I havent done a blog post in almost a year, so i thought it was time for an update. I wish I could tell you that I haven't blogged because I've been doing so well, but unfortunately, that's not the case. This has been the hardest year since I got sick.


In February, I started having more seizures. I was having up to 45 seizures in 24 hours. That lasted a month or so before they started slowing down. Since then, I have had tremendous issues.
In June, I wound up in the hospital again with vision loss. My vision suddenly left in my right eye. It returned while at the hospital, so they let me go home. It happened occasionally over the next couple weeks. Then, in July, I had a really bad seizure, and stood up, and my vison was completely gone in both my eyes. I was terrified to say the least.


In August, we decided I needed to have a CCSVI procedure done.My doctors thought that CCSVI (Chronic cerebrospinal venous insufficiency) was the cause of all my seizures, blindness, insomnia, tachycardia, and all sorts of other symptomes.


So on September 16, I had the CCSVI procedure in beautiful Newport Beach, CA. It went really well, and my vision was restored imediatly and my seizures decreased immensely. It was such a blessing,


Two days after the procedure, I ended up in a california ER (can check that off my bucket list!). I all of a sudden got the most severe migraine of my life, and I have a long history with bad migraines. We pulled off the highway AT A MARINE BASE!! where they called paramedics and rushed me to the ER. Since it was two days post-op, they wanted to check for brain bleeding. All checked out, and they just diagnosed with a severe migraine.


Two weeks after I got home, I ended up in the hospital, again. My fourth hospital trip in less than three weeks.  On Monday night, I was in the most pain I have ever been in. Tuesday morning, my right leg went numb, to the point I couldn't feel it, or move it. Wednesday, my left foot went numb, and I kept passing out and waking up in puddles of spit (sorry! gross.). My parents took me to the ER, and mid sentence, my face went numb and I was no longer able to speak. It was pretty scary.


They wanted to admit me, but they said I would have to stay in the ER all night and they would *hopefully* get me a room in the morning. At that point, I was ready to go home. My mom would minitor me, and take me into the doctor first thing in the morning,


I saw a neurologist the next morning. The same one I saw when I was in the hospital. She said she was CERTAIN I didn't have Lyme disease because my symptoms don't add up. If I could have spoken, I would have educated her on how wrong she was. She then proceeded to get me to talk and to walk and treated me as if I was a joke and it was all fake. She said I needed to go on anti-depressants.


SO we saw another doctor after that, who had an explanation for what is happening to me, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is.


Anyway, I'm stuck at home, in bed all day every day again. This is not the life I wanted for myself, but I know God has a plan.


AND BY THE WAY.... people who tell me I will never get well....
You should be ashamed of yourself for instilling fear in other people just because they don't do the same treatments as you.


I have been dealing with so much, and then for people to start with careless drama? No. Nobody got time for that. I need to focus on my well being, and getting well, so if youre only going to talk to me to: complain, ridicule me, call me out on stupid things, don't even bother talking. I'm not well and I'm not in the right mind to deal with all of that.


Thank you.
And that is all.
Goodbye.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

WHAT

So I am sick and stuck in bed, and have had a ton of time to think. I've been thinking about pretty much everything. Most of the time, when i am alone, i think. But today is different. I am actually starting to realize things today.

One thing I have been thinking about is love. Ah, such a weird thing that love is. I think that the word love is thrown around too much today. To me, love is not something to play around with. I think that many people think they are in love, when in reality it is just infatuation. There is a difference. Infatuation last only for a time, while love in eternal. Love doesn't go away. Either you love someone forever, or you don't love them at all. At least that is my opinion.

I haven't been in many relationships, but I know that it hurts when someone tells you that they love you, and then turn around and leave. I think that there are so many young couples that rush into things because they think they are in love, when in reality it was just infatuation.

So many people in my past have said that they love me, and then dissapeared, but the thing is, just because they stopped loving me, doesn't mean I stopped loving them. If a person from my past that i love came to me and needed help, you better bet I would help them. And I think that is why I am used so much.

I tend to be an extremely passionate person. When I love, I really deeply love. I don't play around when it comes to that. Either I seriously always love you, or I never loved you.

So many people are hurting in the world because someone who "loved" them hurt them. I know from experience, and I know it is not enjoyable.

I don't even know why the heck I am writing this so Im ending it now.
peace out.
DONT SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. FOREVER.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Favorite person <3

So here's the deal. This blog post is just because I want to write something about the most amazing person I have ever met. she's the strongest person who has ever graced me with her presence.
She's honestly one of the most important people to me. I know I can go to her for anything and everything and I know she'll always be there for me. she encourages me on a daily basis and inspires me and she is just an incredible person. she inspires me in my walk with God and she calls me out when I mess up, but in a totally nice way. She's like my second mom in that way.
She has Lyme too, but she didn't let it beat her. she didn't give up and because of her, I won't either. She inspires me to do good in life, and to help people, and to love God.
She is the most hilarious person I've ever met. She keeps me laughing. She's also the most loving person I've ever met and gives the best hugs. I just love her so much.
She is absolutely beautiful. Even more so on the inside than the outside. Bet ya won't think that's even possible once you see her. Drop dead stunning.
I have so much more I could say. I'm getting teary writing this, she means so much to me. She's a Lyme survivor, and a warrior and she means the world to me and I love her so much.
Janice Fairbairn.
I love you <3 I hope this put a smile on your face and I hope you always know how much you mean to me and how much I admire you and how much I honestly need you in my life. God knew just what I needed in my life when I met you and I couldn't be more thankful and blessed that He decided to bring you into my life. You're like family now. You ARE my family. I don't get close to many people, but I'm uber happy you're one of the few :)) I love you so so so so much :)))







Friday, October 4, 2013

GOOD NEWS

Well.

I spent the last week back in Kansas at the Hansa Center. And this was honestly the most beneficial trip of my entire life. I saw more improvement this week alone, than all of three years combined. That makes me really happy and I'm finally starting to believe I will get better now.

A little background, I have this weird dent in my hip that is extremely painful. I went to 8 or 9 different doctors and all they could tell me is that I needed physical therapy, if i didn't do drugs and shoot up that wouldn't be there, I need surgery or I'll never be able to walk again, and the name of the dent was "external popping hip syndrome". That explained the popping, but not the pain or the dent. So I was living with this terrible pain for 4.5 months, sleeping in my parents room cause I couldn't make it up and down the stairs easily and living on pain killers which didn't do much.

So I knew if there was one person that could fix it, it would be doctor J. He is the leading doctor in LFADS after all. (that is a made up name that he made up) ;)

So Monday when I got here, he did all his magic, and my pain went from a 9 to a 6. That made not be a lot to most people, but to me, after dealing with it for months, was amazing. So I did treatments all day on monday, and then Tuesday I did more an the life vessel.

One thing I really struggle with is energy. i don't have much energy. So Wednesday after my life vessel I got a big surprise. I had so much energy it was ridiculous. I couldn't sit still. or stop talking. or stop moving or anything. I went outside and ran for like a mile ish maybe and then came back inside and ran up and down the stairs 6 times.It was the most fantastic thing. I felt so good.

Thursday, I didn't have that much energy, in fact I was pretty tired, but I went home and slept TEN HOURS. I haven't done that in I don't even know how long. it was pretty fantastic and I woke up feeling GREAT! The pain in my hip went down to a 5, and I was quite happy.

That is the most improvement I have ever shown ever in my life.

Doctor Jernigan has always believed in me and supported me and encouraged me and most importantly never given up on me like all the rest have. I'm excited for the near future because I can feel myself finally getting better. And I have Dr J and God to thank for that.


THANK YOU dr j for everything you've done. You're pretty awesome and actually kinda funny. But don't tell anyone I said that!:) Thanks for not giving up on me and for always encouraging me and laughing at my HILARIOUS jokes;) Thank you for taking time out of your life to encourage me and ya know try to tell a funny joke. You'll get there i'm sure of it.:)) You're so funny, you'll have people in stitches! haha get it cause you're a doctor and stitches? hhaha <3

Peace out doe.